TL;DR: The Immediate Action Plan
- Pause and Breathe: Your kid isn’t necessarily a "bad person," but they have done a bad thing.
- Secure the Evidence: Don't delete the thread yet. You need to see the full context of the group chat drama.
- The "Digital Fast": Remove access to the specific platform—whether it's Discord, Snapchat, or Roblox—while you process.
- Restorative Justice: Focus on "making it right" rather than just "taking the phone away."
- Resources to Check Out: Wonder by R.J. Palacio, A Silent Voice, and our guide on digital empathy.
Getting that email from a principal or a DM from an angry parent is a gut punch. It’s the kind of notification that makes your stomach drop through the floor. We spend so much time worrying about our kids being the victims of the internet—the ones being excluded, the ones seeing "brain rot" content, or the ones being targeted by predators—that we often forget the other side of the coin.
Sometimes, our kid is the one making the "Ohio" jokes at someone else's expense. Sometimes, our kid is the one leading the "sticker-bombing" campaign against a classmate in a WhatsApp group.
If you’re reading this because you just found out your child is the cyberbully, take a breath. This doesn't mean you've failed as a parent. It means your child is navigating a digital world designed to reward engagement over empathy, and they’ve lost their way.
In the "real world," if your child says something mean to a friend, they see the immediate reaction. They see the flinch, the tears, or the awkward silence. That’s a biological feedback loop that teaches empathy.
Online? That loop is broken. When a kid sends a nasty message on Snapchat or trolls someone in a Roblox server, they aren't seeing a human face. They’re seeing a screen. This is what researchers call online disinhibition. The lack of eye contact makes them feel like their actions don't have "real" consequences.
Then there’s the Group Chat Pile-On. In apps like Discord or iMessage, the "performative" nature of bullying is amplified. Your kid might not even hate the target; they might just be "doing it for the memes" or trying to impress the dominant personality in the group. In their head, they aren't a bully—they're just a participant in the "lore" of the friend group.
Ask our chatbot about why kids seek validation through negative digital behavior
It’s not always a "Burn Book" situation. Modern cyberbullying is often subtle and coded. You need to know what to look for:
- Exclusion: Purposefully starting a "main" group chat and leaving one person out, then talking about the "main" chat in front of them.
- Subtweeting/Sub-posting: Posting a TikTok or Instagram Story that everyone knows is about a specific person without naming them.
- Sticker-Bombing: Using the "sticker" feature in iMessage or WhatsApp to cover up someone's messages or photos so they can't participate in the conversation.
- Griefing: In games like Minecraft or Fortnite, this involves destroying someone’s hard work specifically to elicit a reaction.
When you sit them down, skip the "I'm so disappointed" lecture for five minutes and start with facts.
- Show the Evidence: "I saw the messages you sent to Leo in the Discord server."
- Define the Impact: Don't ask "Why did you do it?" (the answer will be "I don't know" or "It was a joke"). Ask, "How do you think Leo felt when he woke up and saw 40 notifications calling him a 'Skibidi' loser?"
- Identify the Role: Were they the instigator, the "liker," or the silent bystander? All three roles contribute to the harm.
Check out our guide on how to talk to your child about their digital footprint
Sometimes, kids need to see the "victim's" perspective through a screen to understand the screen's impact. Here are some media recommendations that tackle these themes without being "after-school special" levels of cheesy.
Ages 8-12 This is the gold standard for a reason. It shows the ripple effect of kindness and cruelty. If your child was the one "excluding" others, this book (or the Wonder movie) is a mandatory starting point for a conversation about what it feels like to be the "other."
Ages 12+ This is a powerful Japanese anime film that follows a former bully who was ostracized for his actions and later seeks redemption. It is raw, it is emotional, and it shows the long-term psychological toll bullying takes on everyone involved. It’s much more effective for teens than a standard "don't be mean" PSA.
Ages 13+ If your teen is "addicted" to the drama, they need to see how TikTok and Instagram are literally designed to keep them in a state of high-arousal conflict. It helps them realize they are being "played" by the algorithm.
Ages 10-14 A beautifully written book about the power of lies and how a community can turn on someone. It’s a great way to talk about "mob mentality," which is exactly what a group chat pile-on is.
Punishment (taking the phone) is a temporary fix. Restitution is a long-term solution.
- The Apology: Not a "sorry if you were offended" text. A real, face-to-face (if safe) or long-form letter apology that acknowledges the specific harm done.
- The Digital Clean-up: If they posted something publicly, they need to be the one to delete it and post a retraction.
- Community Service: If the bullying happened within a school or sports community, they should find a way to contribute positively to that community to "rebalance" their reputation.
Elementary (Ages 6-10)
At this age, it’s usually "experimental" cruelty. They are testing boundaries.
- The Fix: Heavy supervision on Messenger Kids or Roblox. If they can't be kind, they lose the "privilege" of the social feature, but keep the creative feature.
Middle School (Ages 11-14)
This is the "peak" of cyberbullying. The need for social standing is at an all-time high.
High School (Ages 15-18)
By now, they know better. If they are cyberbullying at this age, it’s often a sign of deeper issues—anxiety, a need for control, or a very toxic friend group.
- The Fix: Real-world consequences. This might involve the school or even legal advice if the "bullying" crosses into harassment or "revenge" content.
If you think your kid is an angel because their Instagram looks clean, you need to know about "Finstas" (Fake Instas) or "Burner" accounts. Kids often create secondary accounts with no names or photos to post "tea" (gossip) or harass others.
If you find a secondary account on your child's phone that you didn't authorize, that is a massive red flag.
Check out our guide on finding hidden apps and burner accounts
Finding out your child is the cyberbully is a crisis, but it’s also a massive opportunity. It’s an opportunity to talk about integrity—who are you when you think no one is watching?
The digital world is essentially a giant "integrity test." Most kids will fail it at least once. Your job isn't to make sure they never fail; it's to make sure that when they do, they know how to pick themselves up, apologize, and do better next time.
Don't just take the phone and hide it in a drawer. Use this moment to build a better digital citizen.
- Audit the Apps: Look at the "Sent" folder, not just the "Inbox."
- Talk to the Other Parent: A short, humble message: "I’ve seen what happened online. We are handling it on our end, and my child will be reaching out to apologize. We are so sorry for the hurt this caused."
- Reset Boundaries: Re-read our guide on setting up parental controls for iPhone or Android to limit the apps where the bullying occurred.
- Educate: Watch A Silent Voice together this weekend. It’s a better conversation starter than any lecture.