Seven jobs turn a girl into an adult
Damour's big idea is that adolescence is not chaos. It follows a pattern, and once a parent can see the pattern, a daughter's behavior starts to make sense. She lays out seven developmental jobs, one per chapter:
- Parting with Childhood. Pulling away from parents, sometimes on purpose and sometimes not, which is why a harmless question can get a snapped answer.
- Joining a New Pack. Building a peer group to stand in for the family she is stepping back from. (The first edition called it Joining a New Tribe.)
- Harnessing Emotions. Learning to manage feelings that are as intense as they look.
- Contending with Adult Authority. Noticing that adults can be wrong, and learning to deal with it.
- Planning for the Future. Thinking about school, work and who she wants to be.
- Entering the Romantic World. Figuring out what she wants and does not want.
- Caring for Herself. Taking over her own sleep, food, safety and health.
Damour noticed after publication that the chapters roughly follow the grades: parting with childhood around fifth or sixth grade, a new pack in sixth or seventh, emotions in seventh or eighth, adult authority in eighth or ninth, planning for the future in ninth or tenth.
Lisa Damour. Photo from drlisadamour.com.
Every section ends with when to worry
The structure is what parents remember. Each section walks through the behavior that drives parents up the wall, explains why it is normal and what it does for a girl's development, then ends with a short "when to worry" note. Damour has said that telling parents exactly when she wants them to worry is the most reassuring thing she can offer, because it lets them relax about the rest. Her rule of thumb: it is often time to worry when a teenager's behavior is not all over the map, when she "hangs out at one extreme or the other."
The lines parents quote back
- Venting is not complaining. A girl unloading about her day usually wants to be heard, the way an adult grumbling about work at dinner does. She does not need a fix.
- "Girls can listen and roll eyes at the same time." Say the thing anyway, briefly.
- Go easy on homework and eating. They are the two areas where a girl has real control, and trying to manage them closely tends to backfire.
- Bite your tongue about her friends. The less you weigh in on the drama, the more she tells you, and the more your advice counts when you do give it.
The 2025 edition adds the risks that did not exist in 2016
Damour kept the structure and most of the text, and added what has changed since: algorithmic social media, vaping, the spread of legal cannabis, fentanyl, and the way the pandemic changed how teens socialize. The revised edition also takes up gender fluidity. The book has been translated into 19 languages, and its cover still carries the Washington Post's verdict: "the most down-to-earth, readable parenting book I've come across in a long time."
The audiobook of the first edition, read by Damour herself. Cover via Open Library.
Written about girls, useful for boys
Untangled is about daughters, and its examples are girls. Parents of boys will recognize much of it, and the seven jobs apply to any teen, but Damour's later book The Emotional Lives of Teenagers covers all teenagers and is the better place for a parent of a son to start.
Watch her explain it
Damour on CBS Mornings with tips from the book, from boundaries to social media:
A short clip from the first edition's launch on the first job, parting with childhood:
