Middle school is a training ground, not a phase to survive
Most adults remember middle school as something to get through. Fagell, a school counselor who has spent years in middle school hallways, argues the opposite: grades 6 through 8 are a distinct developmental stage and the best time to teach the skills kids will use for the rest of their lives. The stakes are lower than they will ever be again. A lost friendship or a bad grade at 12 is a lesson, not a permanent record.
She also points out what changes underneath. Friendships shift from proximity, whoever sits nearby, to shared interests, which is why elementary school friend groups often reshuffle once middle school starts. And though "middle school" covers different grades in different districts, she argues the ages matter more than the building.
Phyllis Fagell, school counselor and author. Photo from phyllisfagell.com.
Ten skills, in four parts
The book groups ten skills under social skills, values and integrity, empowerment, and resilience and learning:
- Make good friend choices
- Negotiate conflict
- Manage a student-teacher mismatch
- Create homework and organizational systems
- Consider others' perspectives
- Self-advocate
- Self-regulate emotions
- Cultivate passions and recognize limitations
- Make responsible, healthy and ethical choices
- Create and innovate
Each chapter ends with Top Tips for Parents and conversation starters, which is where many readers say they keep returning.
The hard topics are covered in plain terms
Fagell does not skip the uncomfortable parts of these years: shifting friendships, bullying, gossip, puberty, sexuality and romance, learning challenges and homework battles. There are chapters on issues that tend to come up differently for boys and girls, and on how and when to advocate for a child at school. The voice throughout is warm. It is clear she likes this age group and wants parents to enjoy it too.
She thought of it as What to Expect for middle school
Fagell has said she meant the book as a "What to Expect When You're Expecting" for middle school parents, a full description of what is coming. Booklist gave it a starred review and called it "a must-read for all parents and educators" of kids this age. Then the pandemic hit, kids came back to school changed, and she wrote a follow-up on resilience, Middle School Superpowers.
Fagell is a counselor first, and the line outside her door is not only students. Concept by Phyllis Fagell, artwork by Paula Liz Torres, from phyllisfagell.com.
Where it shows its age
The book came out in 2019, before the pandemic and before TikTok took over middle school. Its social media advice is still sound in principle, but the apps have changed. For screens at this age, see managing screen time in middle school, and for the friendship side, middle school social dynamics.
Watch her explain it
Fagell walks through the book for the GPS Parent Series:
And talks with AMAZE Parents about what middle schoolers need from home:
