Name: Screenwise
Author: Screenwise

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Screenwise Verdict

Let's be real: this is a rough watch in 2025. G.I. Joe: The Movie is a relic from the era when toy companies could release feature-length commercials in theaters, and it shows. The animation is stiff, the voice acting is hammy, the plot is needlessly convoluted, and the whole thing feels like watching someone else play with action figures for 90 minutes.

The Cobra-La storyline is admirably weird—ancient snake people with bio-organic technology is a wild swing for a military toy franchise—but the execution is meh. Critics gave it 43% on Rotten Tomatoes for good reason. Even nostalgic adults only rate it 66%.

The real question: will your kid actually want to watch this? Unless they're already deep into G.I. Joe from the '80s cartoon (which itself is hard to find and harder to sit through), the answer is probably no. Modern animated films have spoiled kids with Pixar-level storytelling and animation. This ain't that.

If you're feeling nostalgic and want to share a piece of your childhood, go for it—it's free on Tubi and won't traumatize anyone. Just don't expect your kids to be as into it as you remember being. The watchability gap between 1987 and 2025 is real, and this movie falls right into it.

Age Fit

Common Sense Media suggests 11+, which tracks for kids who can handle constant (bloodless) combat and won't be bored by dated animation. Realistically, this is only worth watching if your kid is already a G.I. Joe superfan from the cartoon series or you're feeling deeply nostalgic. Most modern kids under 14 will bounce off this hard.

WISE Breakdown

Wholesome

58

Classic '80s toy-commercial cartoon with clear good vs. evil themes and teamwork messaging, but emotionally simplistic with cardboard characters. The tone is earnest but the pacing is frenetic and the dialogue is often cheesy. Models cooperation among the Joes but also glorifies military action and combat as problem-solving. Lacks emotional depth or nuanced character development.

Imaginative

62

The Cobra-La concept—an ancient underground snake society—is genuinely weird and creative for a toy franchise movie, adding mythological sci-fi elements to the military action formula. However, it's mostly passive viewing with no interactive elements, and the imagination on display is primarily in service of selling action figures. The bizarre villain designs and bio-organic technology show some creative ambition, but execution is limited by the era's animation quality and the constraints of being a 90-minute toy commercial.

Safe

72

Typical '80s cartoon violence—laser battles, explosions, punching—but no blood, gore, or lasting consequences. Characters get 'spored' rather than killed (though Duke's near-death was controversial at the time and later edited). No sexual content, minimal scary imagery beyond snake-themed villains. Common Sense Media rates it 11+, which feels appropriate. The main safety concern is the relentless combat and military glorification, but it's presented in a sanitized, consequence-free way that was standard for the era.

Enriching

35

This is fundamentally a feature-length toy commercial with minimal educational or developmental value. The 'lessons' are paper-thin (teamwork good, evil bad). No meaningful character growth, ethical complexity, or real-world applicability. The entertainment value is also questionable by modern standards—the animation is stiff, the voice acting is hammy, and the plot is convoluted. Rotten Tomatoes critics give it 43%, and even nostalgic audiences only rate it 66%. It doesn't build skills, inspire curiosity, or offer meaningful takeaways beyond 'remember when you had these toys?'

Parent Info

✓

Why It Might Be Great

If your kid is already deep into G.I. Joe lore from the cartoon series, this provides closure and expands the mythology with the bizarre Cobra-La storyline
The Cobra-La concept is genuinely weird and creative—bio-organic technology and ancient snake people add unexpected sci-fi mythology to a military toy franchise
Clear teamwork messaging and straightforward good-vs-evil narrative that's easy to follow
Available free on multiple streaming platforms (Tubi, Roku Channel) so at least it won't cost you anything to discover it's not great

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What to Watch For

This is a 90-minute toy commercial from 1987—the animation is stiff, the dialogue is cheesy, and modern kids will likely find it boring unless they're already invested in the franchise
Constant laser battles and military combat with zero consequences—nobody bleeds, nobody really dies (Duke was supposed to die but Hasbro changed it after Optimus Prime's death traumatized kids)
Heavy military glorification throughout—every problem is solved with weapons and combat tactics
The plot is genuinely confusing with too many characters and convoluted mythology that assumes you've watched the TV series

Conversation Starters

"Why do you think the bad guys are always trying to take over the world? What would they even do with it?"
"The Joes always work as a team—which character's skills would be most useful in real life?"
"This movie is from 1987, before I was born. How does it compare to the animated movies you usually watch?"
"What do you think about how they solve every problem by fighting? Can you think of other ways they could have handled things?"

Stills

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