If He Had Been with Me is a solid 14+ recommendation. While the reading level is accessible for middle schoolers, the emotional weight is strictly high school territory. This isn't a "happily ever after" beach read; it’s a deep dive into grief, depression, and the kind of "what-if" regret that requires a certain level of life experience to process without just feeling devastated.
TL;DR
If He Had Been with Me by Laura Nowlin is a heavy YA contemporary novel best for ages 14 and up due to themes of suicide, fatal accidents, and teen depression. While the romance is central, the book’s legacy is its "gut-punch" ending, making it a better fit for readers in our digital guide for high school. If your teen is looking for something slightly lighter but still romantic, browse our best books for kids list.
If your kid is asking for this book, they probably saw a video of someone sobbing into their camera on social media. That is the "vibe" of this book. Laura Nowlin tapped into a very specific vein of teen angst: the childhood-best-friends-to-lovers trope, but with a looming sense of dread.
The story follows Autumn and Finny. They were inseparable as kids, drifted apart in high school (she became the "weird" girl, he became the star athlete), and the book navigates their slow-burn reconnection. But the hook—and the reason for the age rating—is that the reader knows from page one that Finny is going to die.
When parents ask about the "rating," they're usually looking for two things: the "spice" level and the "sad" level. Here is the straight talk on both.
The Romance and Intimacy
This is a Young Adult novel, not "New Adult" or "Smut." There is sexual tension and a few scenes that depict intimacy, but they aren't graphic or gratuitous. It’s more about the emotional weight of the relationship than the mechanics of it. If your teen has read anything by Sarah Dessen or John Green, they’ve seen this level of content before.
The Mental Health and Grief
This is where the 14+ rating really earns its keep. The book doesn't just feature a "sad ending"; it explores:
- Depression: Autumn struggles with significant mental health hurdles, including some dark periods that are described with raw honesty.
- Suicide and "What-Ifs": The central tragedy involves a car accident that happens during an argument. There are heavy implications and discussions about whether the death was truly an accident or if there were suicidal undertones.
- Grief: The book is essentially a post-mortem of a relationship. It asks the reader to sit with the idea that things could have been different "if he had been with me."
The story didn't end with the first book. In 2024, Nowlin released If Only I Had Told Her, which retells the story from different perspectives (Finny and his friend Jack). It’s just as heavy, if not heavier, because it fills in the gaps of the tragedy. If your kid flies through the first one, they will almost certainly demand the second.
As for the screen, there has been consistent buzz about a movie adaptation. Based on the current production landscape, a film version is expected to lean heavily into the "aesthetic" of the book—think moody cinematography and a killer indie soundtrack. From the early whispers, it looks like a streaming platform will eventually pick this up, and it will likely target the same 14-18 demographic as the books.
If your teen is reading this, they are going to want to talk about the ending. It is a polarizing, frustrating, and devastating conclusion. Instead of asking "Was it good?", try these:
- "Do you think the 'if only' premise is fair?" The book puts a lot of weight on one moment changing everything. It's a great entry point into talking about how we process guilt and things out of our control.
- "How did you feel about Autumn’s boyfriend, Jamie?" The book handles a "second choice" relationship in a way that’s actually pretty realistic for high school, and it’s worth discussing how people use relationships to cope.
- "Why do you think stories like this are so popular right now?" There’s a whole genre of "sad girl" media. Asking them why they find it cathartic can tell you a lot about their own emotional state.
Q: What age is If He Had Been with Me appropriate for? 14 and up is the sweet spot. While a 12-year-old can certainly read the words, the themes of fatal accidents, depression, and the nuance of the ending usually land better with high schoolers who have a bit more emotional maturity.
Q: Is there "smut" in If He Had Been with Me? No. There is teen romance and a few scenes of sexual intimacy, but they are handled with YA-appropriate boundaries. It is not a graphic "BookTok" romance in the vein of Colleen Hoover or Sarah J. Maas.
Q: Does the book contain triggers for suicide? Yes. While the central death is a car accident, the narrative heavily explores the emotional state of the characters leading up to it, and there are discussions surrounding the intentionality of the crash. It’s a heavy read for anyone sensitive to themes of self-harm or sudden loss.
Q: Is If He Had Been with Me better than the sequel? Most fans say the first book is the "essential" experience because of the mystery and the emotional build-up. The sequel, If Only I Had Told Her, is more of a companion piece that provides closure (or more reasons to cry).
If He Had Been with Me is the "gateway drug" to heavy contemporary YA. It’s well-written, emotionally manipulative in that way teens love, and a guaranteed conversation starter. Just make sure they have a box of tissues and maybe something lighter to read afterward.
- If they finished this and need a "recovery" book, check out our best books for kids list for some lighter options.
- For more on navigating the world of high school media, see our digital guide for high school.
- Get help picking a next book series
